Guilty Heart
by Tsuyu no Inochi
Summary: Akira and Tomoe a forgotten love story.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin; this is only a fanfic. **

**Authors Notes**: This one-shot is my contribution to the Akira/Tomoe fanfic population. This is my interpretation of Tomoe's feelings regarding her first love, Akira Kiyosato, during her last moments of life. These two have always intrigued and saddened me. Truly a forgotten love story.

I would like to thank my beta reader, Ishimaru Amon, for the encouragement and guidance. I couldn't have done it without you.

Happy Holidays everyone!

**Guilty Heart **

"_**The emotional distance between**_

_**the darkest hate and the deepest love **_

_**is no more than the width of rice paper."**_

So, it had come to this…

The barren floor was cold as I sat with my heart in utter turmoil. I was not even allowed to kill myself, to end my life, as I should have done long ago in Edo.

"**Has the assassin made you forget your first love?"**

The words lashed out… the stinging pain bore its mark against my soul. T'was a foolish question; my first love was the reason that I was here… it was also the reason I was called traitor.

"**What was Kiyosato-san to you?"**

I lowered my head in shame. The shouji was purposely left open, as I was to witness the long awaited revenge. The mountain winds whipped through the open doorway, circulated around me, but could not permeate my already numbed body.

"**Was he not your first love? The man you held so dear to your soul. Can he be so easily forgotten?"**

"**_Never!" _**I swore vehemently, but it was mute and my face remained impassive. He was everything to me, but he never knew that... I never told him.

I rose from the floor and walked slowly to the entrance and that was when I saw him. Akira-sama's killer… bedraggled and covered in blood. Silently, I turned away.

Tatsumi-san, the Inui Banjin master, was brutal. He had verbally attacked the very core of my consciousness. He had challenged my loyalty and reminded me of my reason for being. I was a pawn in this game of the Shogunate; the vengeance I sought for my loved one was never my own.

"**Kiyosato-san loved you more than that. He died for you. Is this how you repay his sacrifice?"**

I loved Akira-sama... did he not know that? Again, I questioned…

Why did you not know, without my telling you? You were my childhood friend, my confidant, my fiancé; you knew me better than anyone did. I would not be here, Akira-sama, if not for my love of you.

I covered my ears and sank to the floor, attempting to drown out the sound of the fight ensuing outside. The snow, light as a feather, fell softly against my hand; a cool stream of liquid slid down my wrists, as the flakes melted from the heat of my body.

"**He wanted to be a hero for you, so you would look at him with admiration." **

I neither wanted nor needed a hero, only Akira-sama and I did… I do admire him.

Tears blurred my vision as I lifted my eyes to the smiling bodhisattva. Was it too late to pray… and for what? What do I ask for… atonement, redemption and for whom? Myself… for my loves killer… for Akira-sama? With a heavy heart, I lowered my eyes to the floor.

"**Why would a man go to such lengths for a betrothed; can you tell me?" **

"_**I cannot answer that," **I cried. **"He should have stayed with me, we would have been happy!"**_

My heart fluttered wildly in my chest, my eyes turned, once again, to the symbol of enlightenment, and I saw him… my love… Akira-sama. He was also bedraggled and covered in blood, but it was his own… not the blood spilt from others.

"_**Akira-sama." **_

My heart rejoiced at seeing him again and I lifted to my knees. My love for him shone in my eyes, but his gaze was haunted and sad. I realized, as I turned my eyes away in disgrace, he had watched me and he had seen…

Lifting my eyes once again, I beseeched him to understand although I did not myself.

"_**You are the love of my life, Akira Kiyosato. I loved you so much that I could not continue my life without you neither could I end my own. I became what everyone else believed me to be… cold, unfeeling. I left my family, Enishi-chan and all that I held dear. I lived for one thing and one thing only. To see your killer brought to justice." **_

"_**And now… I fear I cannot even do that. **_

His warm gaze softened. How many times had you looked at me so lovingly? Had I ever returned it… had my eyes ever expressed what my words had not?

I watched as he lifted his hand; my gaze followed. In his palm was a single cherry blossom. The flower signified our promise… his death… my loss. Extending his arm, he offered the bud to me and I remembered.

"_**We will marry when I return. I will come to you bearing fresh flowers and my undying love." **_

Those were your last words to me, Akira-sama. With that one simple gesture, I realized the depth of your feelings and I… also realized my own.

My eyes flew to his… searching and then, like the Buddha behind him, he smiled and then disappeared. Only the flower remained.

"_**Wait for me…" **_

The sound of battle; a whipping blade… the sound of bone against flesh and finally, the cry that moved me.

"_**Tomoe!"**_

My feet carried me through the open shouji.

"_**I must…" **_

Down the stairs and across the snow

"_**Only I…" **_

I threw my body between the two adversaries and tried to wrestle your gift from Tatsumi's grasp, but too late… the master swordsman, your killer… our killer, in a blinding rage struck from behind.

"… _**can end this suffering."**_

The searing pain from the blade was unbearable; the blood spurted from my body and splattered across Tatsumi-san's face. I arched back as the blade severed my shoulder, continued downwards before it was pulled from the shell that I had become.

I fell to the ground, but '_our' _killer caught me in his arms. Your blade, Akira-sama… your last gift to me, was held tight in my grip. There was one thing left to do…

"_**I can't kill him Akira-sama, but I can give you this." **_

As I lay bleeding, with my last ounce of strength, I lifted the tanto to the face of your murderer. He did not flinch as I pressed the blade against his flesh and added my mark with yours. He deserved my pity, Akira-sama, but not my heart.

"_**Forgive me my love…" **_

I bore him no ill will. He would live… he would find another to love as I take my peace with you. With my last dying breath…

"_**Please forgive me." **_

"**The weakness of the heart; our most formidable weapon." **


End file.
